2 Practical Tips To Breathe Life Into A Relationship On Life Support

Many people come to therapy wondering why they are no longer on the same page with their partner. They say things like:

• “Even when we’re together, I feel so alone. We’re physically close, but emotionally, I feel miles apart.”
• “I often find myself wondering if my partner really understands me anymore. I feel isolated in my own thoughts and emotions, like I’m in this relationship by myself.”
• “It’s getting harder to remember the last time we truly connected. These days, they seem least interested in my hobbies and passions. It wasn’t always like this.”

There are a number of reasons why you may be feeling this way. Interestingly, one of the most likely reasons for this “out-of-sync” phenomenon in relationships is that, sometimes, we fail to account for the fact that people change.

A 2017 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that expecting both you and your partner to change together over the next year is linked to better relationship outcomes, like higher quality, stability and growth, both now and in the future.

So, what can you do if you are starting to feel disconnected from your relationship? Here are two tips to jumpstart a dying relationship, based on relationship science.

1. Observe Your Partner, And Play To Their Interests

Rather than spending all your mental energy on how you are feeling, a practical approach to overcoming the situation is to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Chances are, if you aren’t on the same page, you are in the same sinking boat.

A 2015 paper published in Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience explains that when people expect interpersonal rejection, they are likely to experience several negative emotions like feeling:

• Hurt
• Jealous
• Lonely
• Ashamed
• Guilty
• Socially anxious
• Embarrassed

Think about what you wish your partner would do about the situation. You would likely arrive at: “I wish my partner made an attempt to connect with me, because I don’t want them to experience any of these emotions.”

This is your golden ticket. If your partner isn’t making an attempt to understand you or connect with you, take it upon yourself to connect with them instead. This signals to them two things:

1. I see you. This is crucial, because being seen and heard is the lifeblood of a successful relationship.
2. I value you. Sometimes, the not-so-subtle subtext in an out-of-sync relationship is that the partners value being in a relationship more than being with each other. Your partner deserves to know this isn’t the case.

A great way to connect with a partner is to be curious. Don’t force your way into everything they enjoy doing, but ask questions about what makes them click. If your partner has developed an interest in, say, a new sport, ask them what they like about it. Let them speak passionately about whatever it is that drives them. This is an excellent way to find common ground and offers a chance for you to segue into your own hobbies and interests without it coming across as forced or “boring” to them.

2. Make A ‘Game’ Out Of Relationship Check-Ins

As tempting as it may be, trying to talk about the complex circumstances that have led you and your partner to feel out-of-sync could be counterproductive. A 2013 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that the positivity, negativity and effectiveness of communication can vary depending on the topic being discussed between married couples. Husbands, the study suggests, are more likely to react negatively to discussions they perceive as more difficult.

Making relationship check-ins more enjoyable can be as simple as turning them into a playful game. Here’s a fun idea:

1. Both you and your partner write down some light and easy questions that you’re curious about. These should be fun questions that keep things breezy (avoid heavy topics). Once you’ve got your questions, fold them up and pop them into a bowl.
2. Pick a relaxed time and a comfy spot for your game. Maybe it’s a Sunday morning over coffee or a quiet evening on the couch. When you’re ready to start, take turns drawing a question from the bowl. If you pick a question, it’s up to your partner to answer it. You can join in with your own answer if you feel like it, but there’s no pressure. If your partner draws a question, then it’s your turn to answer.

This little game keeps the mood light and encourages you both to learn more about each other in a fun and stress-free way. Over time, you may no longer need to “gamify” these conversations. As you get into the deeper questions about what you both want from each other, you can make real progress in getting your relationship back on track.

Conclusion

A relationship that feels out of sync requires sensitivity, positivity and a supportive approach. Avoiding blame, negativity and forceful tactics is key. By understanding and connecting with your partner and introducing light-hearted interactions, you create a nurturing environment for your relationship to flourish and realign. This thoughtful and caring approach lays the foundation for a stronger, more harmonious relationship.

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