My son’s classmate has unlimited access to the internet. Oh God.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 11-year-old son has a classmate who often acts out in ways that make her unpopular among her peers. I have heard from another parent/friend that this child has a cell phone with unfettered access to the internet.

She showed some very inappropriate and concerning things to other kids at a sleepover. The girl lives with a grandparent who seems way over her head (my friend shared her concerns about the girl’s internet activities, but the grandparent didn’t seem to get it). I don’t know this girl or her caregiver, but it turns out I work closely with a relative of hers. He was sharing about some tragedies in his family, and I realized the girl he was talking about was my son’s classmate. I now know why this poor child behaves the way she does (which I would never share), but I’m wondering if I should say anything about it to my colleague. I did mention to him that I thought the girl was in my son’s class but nothing more. On the one hand, I’m not sure what he could do about the situation and she’s not in immediate danger (that I know of), but on the other hand, I feel like I’m keeping information from him that maybe he’d want to know. We have a great relationship, but I don’t want to overstep.

—Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Whether to insert yourself into another family’s parenting is a really difficult decision, and one that I think you could easily make either way, in your situation. On the one hand, the girl isn’t in any immediate danger and the grandparent is at least somewhat aware of things that are going on—one point for keeping to yourself. On the other hand, parenting takes a village, and kids often experience struggles that elude and confuse their caretakers. If this is impacting the girl’s social development and relationships, the grandparent might want to know—one point for chatting with the co-worker.

It’s hard to be certain which way is best without knowing the details, but as I read your letter, I’m picturing some rather traumatic circumstances. If it were me, and I truly had a good relationship with my colleague (a friendship, not just collegiality), I would probably approach him. I don’t think I would be comfortable ignoring a vulnerable kid in my life just for propriety’s sake. I’d broach the subject vaguely, like, “I’ve figured out that Trixie is indeed in my son’s class. I’ve heard some things through the school grapevine that I would want to know if I were her guardian, but I don’t know if [grandma] is aware. I really don’t want to overstep, but I also don’t want to be complacent if this could ultimately help Trixie. Do you think we could grab a coffee?” Uncomfortable though it might be, hopefully, you can trust your friend/colleague to handle the information appropriately.

One caveat to this whole response: I recommend observing radio host Bernard Meltzer’s advice model before you speak up: Is what you have to say true, kind, necessary, and helpful? If you answer any of those questions with “no” or “I am not sure,” that tells you it’s best to keep things to yourself.

—Allison

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