Local cyborg accused of using internet to cheat on math exams · The Badger Herald

Editor’s Note: This story is satirical

As the end of the semester and the blessed year of 2023 reach their inevitable, wraithlike approach, many students have found themselves teetering over the precipice of scholastic success or failure. In these trying times, students in professor Jaylin Green’s infamously tough advanced linear algebra course have begun to suspect their cybernetically enhanced classmate Cyborg Johnson of accessing the internet to calculate the trigonometric equations on the test in front of her.

“I don’t have a problem with cheating on academics really, I just don’t like it when the class requires a lot of hard work to understand the concepts. I don’t have a built-in wifi connection that allows me to skip that part. While I’m struggling to figure out how to quantalize the numberiqle for the exam, I find it hard not to be suspicious when she emits a loud dial up tone and then factors it out in a matter of picoseconds.” student Tom Notbrady said.

Johnson, the first person to be admitted to campus entirely chromed-out with the latest cyberware, has several noticeable enhancements to her organic form. Alongside the internet connection modem placed directly over the eyes that sees for her¹, she has three small, cooled compartments on her shoulders that can be used to store leftovers or small lunch meats.

Johnson denied the allegations.

“Everyone sees me hold up both my hands and loudly announce that I am in airplane mode at the beginning of the exam,” she said.

Green has his own opinion on the matter.

“I understand that students may feel a little like there might be some cyber-tomfoolery going on, but I have no way of proving that without being able to access her internet browser history. I could do that, but I don’t want to, because they don’t pay me enough to care,” the professor said.

¹SOCIAL COMMENTARY