Identifying a Lopsided Power Dynamic in Your Relationship: Insights from a Psychologist

In relationships, power play goes beyond dominance and submission. It involves the roles each partner assumes when faced with challenges or situations. These roles and patterns of interaction, known as “power dynamics,” influence the behavior of each partner. Power imbalances often arise in areas like finances, sexual intimacy, decision-making, and other responsibilities within a relationship.

Imbalances of power can lead to resentment, frequent arguments, and emotional distance. Not only can these issues harm the relationship, but they can also have a negative impact on one’s mental health.

Here are three common unhealthy power dynamics in relationships and strategies to resolve them.

#1. Demand/withdrawal

In romantic relationships, the demand/withdrawal dynamic occurs when one person feels their needs are unmet and their partner dismisses them. The “demander” persistently seeks specific emotions or actions from their partner (e.g., attention, reassurance, support), while the “withdrawer” evades the partner’s requests, often drawing boundaries without direct communication.

A study published in Personal Relationships explores the tactics underlying the demand/withdrawal dynamic. Demand tactics include persistent pursuit, such as nagging and personal insults, while withdrawal tactics involve defensiveness, making excuses, changing the topic, and creating distance through actions like leaving the room or employing silent treatment.

The same study found that this dynamic is often linked to spousal depression, with women typically being the “demanders” and men exhibiting withdrawal behavior. To address this, couples should prioritize building trust. This can be achieved by maintaining agreements and practicing respectful communication. It is essential for both partners to listen and understand each other’s needs without allowing emotional reactions to dictate their behavior. Here are a couple of examples of how to express oneself:

• “I feel like you are avoiding me. Can we set aside time today to discuss this issue so that we both feel better?”
• “I need some space to process what you are asking of me. Can I have a day to myself to think it over, and we can talk about it tonight?”

Establishing a mutual commitment to actively listen to each other and avoiding actions that may hurt one another is a crucial first step.

#2. Distancer/pursuer

The distancer/pursuer dynamic arises when one partner is more emotionally invested in the relationship and takes the lead more frequently. The “pursuer” desires a deeper level of intimacy, while the “distancer” feels overwhelmed by this closeness. This imbalance primarily revolves around finding a balance in terms of intimacy and connection.

A study published in Sexual and Relationship Therapy suggests that the pursuer-distancer dynamic may stem from familial backgrounds. For example, in one case study cited, a woman’s distant relationship with her father and controlling mother influenced her aversion to being controlled, while her partner’s experience of protecting his mother from his abusive father led to his persistent pursuit of his spouse.

Differing ways of communicating love can also contribute to this dynamic. For instance, one partner’s ‘love language’ may involve sending numerous text messages throughout the day, while their partner may feel overwhelmed and suffocated by such excessive attention.

If you believe that your relationship is caught in this cycle, consider the following:

• If you are the distancer, come up with activities that you and your partner can enjoy together to increase intimacy without feeling overwhelmed.
• The pursuer in the relationship could consider how their partner prefers to receive love. Showing love in the way the person wants to receive it can make a significant difference.
• Additionally, therapy can help you connect your relationship patterns to your upbringing, providing valuable insights about yourself and how you can work on your relationship.

#3. Fear/shame

The fear and shame power dynamic in relationships often stems from insecurities and emotional pain. It involves one partner experiencing fear or anxiety, which triggers shame or avoidant behavior in the other partner.

One example of this dynamic can be seen in couples who closely adhere to gendered scripts in their relationships. For instance, the man may feel fearful of not being able to provide for his wife, leading him to exercise control over all financial expenditures. The woman, fearing deprivation, may engage in excessive spending and complaining. This can result in the male partner feeling shame for not meeting societal expectations, perpetuating a cycle of negative interactions in the relationship.

Here are three things you can try to change this dynamic:

• Build trust: A study suggests that building trust involves developing intimacy by sharing personal information, experiences, and emotions, as well as engaging in frequent honest communication with your partner. Fear and shame thrive in relationships where communication is lacking or assumptions are made.
• Be vulnerable: A study suggests that when one partner expresses emotional vulnerability and the other responds with a highly supportive communication style, it leads to improvements in forgiveness, trust, and overall relationship satisfaction.

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