There are a lot of dim-witted horror protagonists out there. Some of the earliest examples of what not to do when confronting a deadly force come from our very own Halloween and Friday the 13th, some of the most influential slashers of their time. Someone tell Laurie Strode that pushing a hospital bed towards Michael Myers won’t slow him down, nor will it harm or incapacitate him in any way.
According to Scream, there are three simple rules to follow to avoid certain death in life-threatening scenarios:
- Rule #1: Never have sex.
- Rule #2: Never drink or do drugs.
- Rule #3: Never ever say, “I’ll be right back”
These don’t apply to all protagonists, but they’re handy tips to bare in mind if there’s ever a serial killer stalking your camp at night. Sometimes, protagonists are just downright idiotic and there’s no excuse or unwritten rule that can justify their actions—they’re just dumb. Granted, one isn’t thinking too clearly in these situations, but come on, how hard is it to think practically to save your own skin? They manage in Saw just fine.
We hate to say it, but Justin Long’s characters are, more often than not, terribly stupid. That’s a good explanation as to why Long’s characters almost always meet their demise in some gruesome way or another. As for Jeepers Creepers, well… he was asking for that. It isn’t the most intelligent move to pursue an obvious serial killer who obviously killed someone, but what do I know?
Zach Snyder’s directorial debut came with Dawn of the Dead, a remake of George A. Romero’s 1978 horror film of the same name. In it, Lindy Booth portrays Nicole, Terry’s eventual love interest. As a means of transporting supplies through the zombie horde, the group of survivors straps supplies to a dog named Chips, whom the zombies have no interest in. However, that doesn’t stop Nicole from deliberately putting herself in harm’s way for no reason whatsoever to ‘save’ Chips from… what, exactly?
Sorry, Jamie Lee Curtis. We love you, but your Halloween counterpart can be rather slow on the uptake in her old age. In the 2018 sequel to the 1978 original, Laurie is 57 years old, so at least she has more of an excuse than these young whippersnappers for making some questionable decisions. For example, when Michael is attempting to break into her home/bunker and she stands near an easily breakable set of window panes. Smart move, Laurie.
Don’t even get us started on Barbarian, another Justin Long favorite. Surprisingly enough, although Long’s character is a real A-hole, he’s not in Reddit’s firing range for this call-out. Instead, it’s Georgina Campbell’s Tess who, for some unholy reason, decides to investigate the Mother, a naked and deformed woman dwelling underneath the rental house she and Keith were occupying. Sure, why not. Let’s greet this scary monster instead of running for the hills as soon as we came to our senses.
And there are so, so many more examples. We blame Scooby-Doo for encouraging groups to split up during investigations. That’s how we got to where we are today, surrounding by idiot protagonists.
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Khushi Patel is a science fiction author who lives in Austin, Texas. She has published three novels, and her work has been praised for its originality and imagination. Khushi is a graduate of Rice University, and she has worked as a software engineer. She is a member of the Science Fiction Writers of America, and her books have been nominated for several awards.
