A Psychologist Explains The ‘Cyber-Snooping On Your Partner’s Ex’ Phenomenon

Many people come to therapy when struggling to navigate the jealousy and insecurity that arises when they find evidence of a partner’s relationship history online. They may say things like:

• “His ex is so gorgeous, I look nothing like her. I’m scared that I’m not even his type.”
• “I saw all of these pictures of my girlfriend and her ex on her Instagram traveling the world together. How can we ever live up to those memories?”
• “Her ex was super successful and I’m not there yet. It just makes me wonder what she’s even doing with me.”

The knowledge of a partner’s past can be a difficult pill to swallow, no matter how mature or grown-up an individual is. The fact that your partner loved someone else or found happiness before you can cause an irrational psychological sting, the roots of which can be traced to our evolutionary instincts for long-term pair-bonding and the need for trust and security in a relationship.

Modern technology has complicated the issue. A partner’s online feed can be a tangible reminder of their memories with their ex and what their relationship might have been like, leading to unfair and futile comparisons between their individual past and your shared present. Researchers have found that seeking out this information is rarely helpful and usually detrimental to your mental health and love life.

Here are three reasons why stalking your partner’s social media or their exes online can impair your relationship, and how to move past it.

1. You May Experience Retroactive Jealousy

Studies have shown that romantic partners tend to avoid discussing past sexual experiences or romantic relationships to prevent discomfort and jealousy. Instead, people often resort to covertly scrolling through their partner’s social media feed, especially when they are dissatisfied with the amount of information their partner has given them or suspect their partner of being dishonest with them about their past.

A 2018 study explored how such social media usage elicits “retroactive jealousy,” which is when a person feels upset about their partner’s romantic history even though their ex-partners are not actively interfering in the current relationship.

Retroactive jealousy can be a result of seeing digital remnants such as old photographs of the past relationship or an ex’s comments on a post. Interpreting posts, comments and photos without context can lead to misunderstandings, nudging your mind to craft stories based on incomplete information.

For example, even a harmless interaction with an ex-turned-friend might appear more significant than it is, leading to unfounded suspicions and emotional turmoil. These negative emotions can trigger arguments and spill over into your current relationship.

Retroactive jealousy can also cause long-term damage to your relationship, like the erosion of trust. When a partner tries to digitally fact-check information that was disclosed to them or snoops around to learn more, it can create an atmosphere of suspicion, secrecy and resentment. If they were to come across something their partner was not ready to share, it can feel like a breach of their trust and an invasion of their privacy, which tends to weigh heavily on a relationship.

2. You May Fall Into The Comparison Trap

Social media has the potential to fuel unnecessary comparisons with a partner’s exes and heighten one’s insecurities, especially in the areas of academic and employment history, personal hobbies, grammar use and, most commonly, physical attractiveness.

Constant comparison tends to undermine one’s self-esteem and creates feelings of inadequacy, diminishing the sense of closeness between partners and making the current relationship feel less special.

Research has also shown that individuals who experience self-doubt underestimate the strength of their partner’s love for them, which leads to lower relationship satisfaction and optimism for the future, in addition to undermining their partner’s actual feelings of love and commitment for them.

It is essential to remember that social media presents a partial, carefully curated version of people’s lives, usually showcasing the most positive aspects. When you compare your relationship as a whole (with all of its imperfections) with the highlight reel of a relationship that does not exist anymore, it may appear to be far more ideal and threatening than it was.

3. You May Lose Sight Of The Present

The cycle of negative thoughts and emotions stemming from jealousy and online comparisons can impede your ability to fully enjoy and appreciate your current relationship. You may become so fixated on the past or your own insecurities that you struggle to be present with your partner.

Research has also linked increased Instagram use to reduced relationship satisfaction due to a reduction in time and attention dedicated to one’s partner as a result of being chronically online. This was shown to give rise to conflict and negative relationship outcomes.

When you seek information online, you may be attempting to find reassurance or gauge whether you measure up to past partners, or ascertain if you are “good enough” for your current partner. You may be trying to exert control or predict the outcome of your relationship as a way to protect yourself from future heartbreak. However, living in either the past or the future robs you of the present.

It is crucial to acknowledge the limits of control and instead opt to take a leap of faith. There is a reason your partner is no longer with their ex and has chosen to be with you, and their presence in your life can assure you of this more than their online world ever could.

Here are three ways to keep your focus on your current relationship when you feel the urge to seek reassurance elsewhere:

• Embrace open communication: Create an environment where both you and your partner can openly share concerns, fears and insecurities without judgment. It is entirely acceptable to seek reassurance from your partner at times, and doing so can prevent future conflicts.
• Establish boundaries: Set clear boundaries for privacy within your relationship and also work on setting boundaries for yourself regarding checking a partner’s social media. Engaging in inner work to overcome self-doubt can help you end the cycle of social media.
• Enhance your real-life connection: Instead of fixating on online interactions, invest your energy in nurturing your bond. Be mindful of each other’s needs and plan how you want to spend time together. Engage in activities that strengthen your relationship and create positive memories, worthy of their own social media highlight reel.

Conclusion

Social media has given us unprecedented access to personal information. The temptation to peek into your partner’s dating history is often unavoidable. While scratching this itch might provide momentary satisfaction or reassurance, it can spawn problems of its own including jealousy, insecurity and uncertainty in your relationship, which have damaging consequences in the long run. Prioritizing trust, open communication and being truly present can help you build a healthier and more resilient connection that is not tainted by shadows of the past.

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