This weekend, brace yourself for the thrilling tale of Dracula’s latest escapade, The Last Voyage of the Demeter, where the notorious vampire decides to embark on a boat venture. However, long journeys are never enjoyable when surrounded by incessant complaints from individuals who blame you for draining their loved ones at night. It’s baffling how people can be so sensitive about such matters. If Dracula is even remotely similar to how I used to be during my frequent Amtrak rides, he’ll most likely spend his travel time reflecting on where his life took a wrong turn. So, let’s delve into Count Dracula’s life and demise, identify the problematic areas, and shed light on some of his unfortunate nights.
1: The time Dracula was outshone by German expressionists
Picture this – you spend years perfecting your unique style, carefully crafting a public image. Suddenly, a pale, strange individual with fake nails for teeth waltzes in, stealing your entire persona. This person not only copies your look but also plagiarizes your social media posts as if they were their own. That nightmare became a reality for Dracula in 1922, when F.W. Murnau released Nosferatu, an unauthorized story that strikingly resembled Dracula’s life. It must have been heart-wrenching for Dracula to witness this albino hot dog impersonating a Keebler elf portray his entire existence. To make matters worse, the film garnered increasingly positive reviews over the next century, leaving Dracula to deal with the agony of having his identity stolen and seeing it celebrated as part of the Criterion Collection. What a blow!
2: The time Dracula found himself in the year 2000 or thereabouts
Imagine the challenges of readjusting to society after centuries of slumber, only to wake up and realize you look like future heartthrob Gerard Butler from PS I Love You. Bram Stoker’s novel left Dracula’s origins quite vague, but the writers of Dracula 2000 thought it’d be fitting to weave Jesus into his story. While there were some comedic moments, such as connecting Judas and vampires’ fear of silver and crosses, creating an early-2000s movie around this theme didn’t quite hit the mark. Gerard Butler, apart from a brief period around 2007, didn’t fare much better either.
3: The time Dracula battled Wesley Snipes’ stand-in
The final part of a trilogy naturally comes with heightened stakes. Dracula must have felt a surge of excitement when he was slated to be the ultimate adversary in Blade Trinity, going up against Blade, the very vampire hunter who had revolutionized the genre. However, it was a personal blow for Dracula when he arrived on set only to discover that Blade wouldn’t leave his trailer. Instead, he had to fight Blade’s stunt double whenever Blade’s presence wasn’t absolutely required. You can discover more about the tensions between Blade, Dracula, Patton Oswalt, and the movie’s effects crew through the interviews in the DVD extras.
4: The time Dracula made having girlfriends and battling Wolverine incredibly dull
For a fan of monster movies, watching Van Helsing can be equated to witnessing your nephew struggle to remember his lines in a school play. Although you root for success and acknowledge the effort being put in, you ultimately end up disappointed, reevaluating what truly deserves your admiration. Richard Roxburgh portrays Dracula in Van Helsing with exuberance, ensuring that nobody pays to see underacting. With Stephen Sommers, the director of The Mummy, at the helm, and Wolverine wielding a gatling crossbow to take down Universal’s array of monsters, Van Helsing should have been an enjoyable cinematic experience. Unfortunately, it falls short due to poor special effects, subpar writing, and a climactic scene reminiscent of Mufasa’s appearance as a cloud in The Lion King. It was a particularly rough few hours for the Count.
5: The time Dracula realized he could have been relaxing in Cabo all along
Do you remember that friend from 2020 who always competed in the Suffering Olympics, even though others were going through worse situations? Dracula becomes that person in his 2020 Netflix/BBC series. In the final moments of Dracula, the world’s most famous vampire finds himself awestruck by sunlight while his dying friend, who has cancer (a fact he disregards), reveals that all of Dracula’s perceived weaknesses were ultimately psychosomatic. The true problem Dracula faced was his inability to love himself. And then he expects us to feel sorry for him? It’s 2020, pal. We all have our own struggles. Do you think we can relate to your troubled existence? Try homeschooling misbehaving vampire kids while attempting to work remotely on a laptop that turns off if you type too fast. Self-centered, that’s what you are. The world doesn’t revolve around you, Dracula, or you, Kevin.
6: The time he watched his Transylvania Twist get reappropriated while he was asleep
One could argue that Dracula’s greatest weakness is his fondness for napping. Every time he wakes up, there’s an arduous period where he must adapt to the new world, uttering phrases like, “What is this magnificent contraption you call the LV-1901 Betamax player?” It’s difficult to witness, but it’s even more challenging for Dracula himself. However, nothing compares to the awakening in the swinging ’60s. You fall into slumber, presumably in the late 19th century, not at the pinnacle of your power but still a respected Count. The people adore you and cherish your cultural contributions, particularly the dance move you pioneered, the Transylvania Twist. Then, in the 1960s, already irritable from only receiving half a century of sleep, you discover that your beloved Transylvania Twist has been replaced by the Monster Mash. When you ask for an explanation, all you get is, “It’s now the Monster Mash.” What started as an expression of your creativity has been co-opted by Bobby Picket and the Crypt-Kickers, who reap the rewards of your innovation for the next six decades. “It’s not a graveyard smash, it’s copyright infringement,” you exclaim, but it’s too late. The trend has already taken off, drowned out by the sounds of bubbling beakers and Jacob’s ladder sound effects.
7: The time he finally watched Sleepwalkers, presumably
One of the few benefits of the inevitability of death is the opportunity to reflect on your life and enjoy films uninterrupted.
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Khushi Patel is a science fiction author who lives in Austin, Texas. She has published three novels, and her work has been praised for its originality and imagination. Khushi is a graduate of Rice University, and she has worked as a software engineer. She is a member of the Science Fiction Writers of America, and her books have been nominated for several awards.
