It’s absolutely absurd, isn’t it? We’ve reached a point where you can no longer mercilessly body shame someone online until they change schools without some self-proclaimed hero stepping in and proclaiming, “Hey, quit acting like a monster. That’s a human being.” However, here’s the thing: aliens aren’t human beings. You can say whatever you please about the appearance of a fictional alien, and no one can sue you for causing emotional distress. It’s like a cheat code for social etiquette, and it’s even sweeter when you get the chance to publicly call out E.T. for being a pear-shaped nobody. Seriously, who does he think he is, acting superior just because he made a phone out of a Speak & Spell? You know what’s truly impressive, E.T.? Owning your own phone like an actual adult. Grow up already. So, let’s embrace our inner mean girls and start roasting some green beings with bad skin and no love interests.
10: Droopy McCool
Image via Lucasfilm
Imagine if the talented minds at the Jim Henson company created a Muppet version of a tardigrade on a day when everyone was suffering from a hangover. Well, that’s Droopy McCool for you, the space-oboe player of the Max Rebo Band in Return of the Jedi. Truth be told, he would rank higher on this list if it weren’t for two factors: his unfortunate resemblance to the unfinished bottom half of a dog’s face and the environment he was born into. Star Wars has a peculiar tradition of assigning woodwind instruments to background aliens like a group of nerds. It’s not your fault, Droopy, that you had to join the marching band during the peak of your awkward phase. However, couldn’t you invest in some hair gel or styling products? Final judgment: Coruscant 2, Mos Eisley 6. And please, stop soaking your reeds in the break room. It’s quite unsightly.
9: Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill
Image via Nickelodeon/YTV
Let’s address the obvious: his brother is a prince, so there’s significant entitlement going on here. Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill was the Andalite companion to a group of child soldiers in the Animorphs books and TV series. Yes, his appearance is gaudy – a combination of a horse body, scorpion tail, humanoid chest, and an Andorian head. It’s like wearing one hat on top of another. However, his unattractiveness goes beyond his looks. Befriending a bunch of seventh-graders and convincing them to call you “Ax” reveals a level of internal ugliness typically reserved for youth ministry leaders. Final judgment: Transform into someone with self-confidence, “Ax.” By the way, we spoke to your mother, and we know your real name is Paul.
8: Abzorbaloff
Image via BBC
“Now there’s a troll doll in a shade of mucus with the actress who portrayed Moaning Myrtle nestled in his abdomen,” you might say. “Better swipe right quickly before someone else snatches him up.” And you know what’s worse? He’s a catfish. This guy goes by the name Victor, presenting himself as an attractive individual with a flawless coif and a well-groomed van dyke. Then, after a couple of months, he reveals his true form – a shirtless being with a disturbing mohawk that incorporates his back hair. Not cool, Abzorbaloff. Even for a one-off episode of Doctor Who, that’s just not cool. Final judgment: Congratulations on defying the odds and becoming the pastiest, chunkiest man on the BBC, Abzorbaloff.
7: Grand Nagus Zek
Image via CBS
Let’s evaluate him step by step: his ears are too big to be attractive on a human, yet too small for a Ferengi. Numerous issues with body hair, and he clearly doesn’t prioritize teeth filing – grooming seems to be a consistent problem. His taste in clothing tends to be gaudy. He works excessively and loves discussing it. Listening doesn’t appear to be his strong suit. Additionally, he’s a career politician. He would rank lower on this list if it weren’t for his wealth. Final judgment: It’s not a certainty, but it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility.
6: This little guy from V: The Final Battle
Recently, Hollywood has embraced the kinderschema technique for baby aliens, amplifying their eye size and reducing the size of their mouths until the audience’s hearts ache. It’s the strategy that flooded households with Grogu dolls for the past three Christmases and plastered Baby Groot on every package of pistachios on Pistach Wednesdays. However, V took a different approach – an era when a priest and Freddy Krueger could share a room while a woman gave birth, capturing the wet Boglin that emerged from her, and calling it a cult classic. And that’s where this little bundle of joy originates. Just look at it. It’s as if the Hulk stuck out his tongue, but in a smaller, more veiny form. Final judgment: The “V” in “Vunattractive” says it all. Next.
5: This guy that Scotty is holding
Image via CBS
First introduced in the Star Trek episode “The Enemy Within,” he may not be conventionally ugly, but his repugnant Twitter remarks speak for themselves. Final judgment: Guy, just because people on the internet get angry at you doesn’t mean you can label it “satire.”
4: The thing from The Thing
Image via Universal
Another addition to the long line of on-screen aliens that have complete control over their appearance but somehow end up looking like a mess of tentacles, liquid latex, snot, and corn syrup. Messy eater. Mean to dogs. Plus, if he gets too close to a candle or attempts to light your cigarette, he’ll transform into a deflated can of Silly String made of wet ham. Final judgment: Definitely not interested.
3: Wioslea
Image via Lucasfilm
“What’s that?” you may wonder. “You don’t remember Wioslea?” Well, that’s because she was cut from the first Star Wars film. Yes, the same movie that proudly featured a band of aliens resembling musical buttocks with bug-like eyes suddenly began questioning its aesthetic choices when Wioslea appeared on screen. It’s as if she instructed the movers carrying her eyes to just place them anywhere, and she never bothered rearranging them. My home office now resembles her face, but with my vinyl collection instead of a thousand eyeballs. For the record, Wioslea was the lady who purchased Luke’s speeder when he promptly left the family business right after the Empire’s unwelcome visit. It’s probably for the best that our heroes escaped the planet before Wioslea got behind the wheel. She screams “distracted driver.” Pedestrians in Mos Espa likely started dropping like flies when she got her hands on a car. In short, we can’t wait for her Disney Plus series. Rumor has it, it’s the new Andor. Final judgment: She falls under both interpretations of “weird-looking.”
2: E.T.
Image via Universal
A pear-shaped nobody. Earlier, you might have assumed I was joking, but I meant what I said. Go ahead and debate this point all you want; in fact, another writer on this very website already did. However, I stand by my judgment. Final judgment: Don’t consume food from the ground, and stop spending time with children, you creepy creature.
1: Yoz and Tak
Image via Hallmark Entertainment/The Jim Henson Company
Farscape was a truly unique creation. It ventured into the realms of weirdness, and its alien characters were even more peculiar. These creatures were designed by a group of individuals who spent their days crafting backup Elmos for PBS. With such creative frustration, there were bound to be some interesting results. And then we have Yoz and Tak, a pair of Halosians from season two, floating through space, vomiting up Jell-O shots, and generally causing trouble. Their ugliness doesn’t solely lie in their evil plans, as pursuing a promotion by killing a show’s protagonists is rather run-of-the-mill in sci-fi. Nor does it stem from their bird-like appearance – birds being evolutionary mishaps who deserve whatever comes their way. No, the Halosians are ugly for one primary reason: they are undoubtedly recycled Skeksis from The Dark Crystal, right? It’s as if a puppet designer at the Henson workshop stumbled into the Farscape office one day in a rush, realized he had an assignment due, and decided to repurpose an old Skeksis left in storage…
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Khushi Patel is a science fiction author who lives in Austin, Texas. She has published three novels, and her work has been praised for its originality and imagination. Khushi is a graduate of Rice University, and she has worked as a software engineer. She is a member of the Science Fiction Writers of America, and her books have been nominated for several awards.
